Here's an update to the letter Hello from Canada which we posted in our previous blog. Well, it appears that we are actually starting house-hunting. They both went to look at a place last week-end. He and I are going out to look at a place tomorrow afternoon and she mentioned another place that she saw for sale that she wants us to take a look at tomorrow while we are out. The trick is finding a big enough place at a reasonable price. There aren't many duplexes for sale where we live, so we are also looking at houses that are big enough for both families. The combined family wouldn't be that enormous: five kids and three adults. But I'd like to make sure that everyone will be able to have their own space (room) -- when they need it. I like the idea of living in the same house. I like company. I've had enough of being on my own.
We will just go quietly about setting up our new family arrangement. It would be nice if our society would be open to publicly celebrating our good fortune at us all having more love and support in our lives. Maybe in 10-20 years, he and I can actually have a wedding. In either case, we'll be married in the eyes of God. I know that God doesn't have any problem with polygamy. It's just our culture that has been so strongly influenced by the Roman Empire. I have written about the influence of the Roman Empire, upon our modern-day culture's outlook on marriage, in the position paper [...] that I intend on sending to the Canadian government, about recognizing polygamy as a legitimate family structure. [...] Best wishes,Jane Doe
 As we become more comfortable with ourselves, the world becomes more comfortable with us. Our friends and children become accustomed to our polygamous family and our openness about it. Soon we are rewarded with tidbits about how their friends feel about it, and their own experience with polygamy. For example, my stepson Michael described his family to a snowboarding team he was on. One of his teammates added that his own father had two wives. Another case in point -- Rita, a hardworking Chinese-American women who runs the local ice cream store. Rita's husband travels to China on business more than half the year, leaving her to care for the store and her two children. One day we found Rita crying over a newspaper which proclaimed that thousands of Chinese men maintained second families abroad. Rita did not want to confront her husband, but instead began to wonder how she'd behave if it were true. This led her to ask us a lot of questions about our family. As our connection with Rita unfolded, she suddenly remembered that her grandfather had had four wives. She subsequently mentioned our relationship to a good (and wealthy) friend. He ran with the idea, and told his wife he was thinking of taking on another wife, creating a mini-drama that is still unfolding. My hairdresser Sharon is fascinated with our family. She keeps me talking by cutting my hair, then cutting it again, and then cutting it a third time. I suspect she's interested in being my third wife -- I'll either have to find a different hairdresser, or wear my hair shorter this year. Last night we had visitors, call them Sam and Mary. They had come to tour our community, and to stay the night in the guest room of our group house. At first they tried to puzzle out our relationship, then asked outright which one was my wife. "They both are." I explained, and added "You're not in Kansas anymore!" We took pains to explain that we were husband and wives, and that our plural marriage is not open to others. We're accustomed to explaining ourselves this way -- to lessen any fears that we might suddenly launch ourselves through space and jump their bones, or whatever people think polygamists do. Later that evening, mellowed by a good Reisling, and tinted amber by the exotic light of four Citronella torches, Sam and Mary shared their own dreams with us. In the morning, we asked them how they had slept. "Fabulously." They went on to explain that they had spent the morning hours lying in bed and discussing how their own relationship might benefit from polygamy. "Another happy customer!" we thought. -- Martin
We've received several emails recently from families who are attempting polygamy. We've created a Selected Letters page on our web site, with a link from our home page. Names and other identifying information have been changed or withheld. Here are two of our recent letters [we respond to all of them]... Getting started in polygamyHI my name is Sam and my wife is Mary. We have been married about three years when she, not me, brought home Susan. Telling me she had feelingsfor this woman and wanted me to get to know her better. So I did and I fellin love with Susan too. Can you give me, Mary, and Susan advice on helping with jealousy in thiskind of relationship? That is the biggest problem that we have come across.And the jealousy is Mary over Susan and whether I am going to leave her forSusan.Here's a very short background on us. I, Sam, work full time as a[Occupation withheld]. Mary quit schoolby her own choice when I got custody of my two boys from a previous marriageto raise the three kids together. Susan is a student right now but wouldlike to have a child of her own, and would be willing to be the stay at homeperson while Mary goes back to school. Can you give us any advice to making this work out? And for me not losingboth of the ladies at the same time. Thanks for any help you can give -- Sam Doe Hello from Canada
I think the three of you are a real inspiration of how polygamy can be a very harmonious family situation... I am a single mom with three children. I have met a wonderful couple. He loves his wife and he loves me. He loves his children and he loves mine. I love his wife and I love their kids. I was their son's teacher for two years and really got to know and love him and became a friend of the family. Then friend evolved into something more, when I was no longer their son's teacher. I have told both him and his wife that I would like to be Wife #2. He'd love to have "one family ", meaning all of us together. I think she is warming up to the idea but I am not completely sure yet. However, she did mention last week how it would be nice if we could buy a duplex together, so we could live closer together and do the "co-parenting thing". Warm regards, Jane Doe
 A common argument against polygamy is "What if everyone lived in polygamy? Wouldn't a lot of men be without wives?" Let's do the numbers. Here's the projected population table from the U.S. Census Bureau. We notice a few things right away. Until about age 40, there are more men then women in the United States. Clearly, polygamy is not a good strategy for the young, at least from a population point of view. Polyandry [wives with more then one husband], maybe. For those of us older than 45, which includes the baby boomers, there are significantly more men than women. This gap is projected to widen by 2010, and almost doubles as we live to be 85. Let's take the 45-64 year olds [which includes me and my wives] and split the difference between between 2000 and 2010, bringing us roughly to 2005. There are two million more women than there are men. That's roughly 6% of the number of men. Assuming the everyone is paired up in monogamous relationships, there are 6 "extra" single women for every 100 couples. Some of them will live alone, some will live with their sister, some will have affairs with the married men, and some will call Rent-A-Husband. Instead, if every 20th married couple reached out and embraced another wife, these women could live with their husband and sister-wife in a supportive long-term relationship. I will be 85 in the year 2031, should I live that long. At that time, there will be about three million more women than there are men, roughly 87% of the number of men. Some of these women will live with and be cared for by their children. [Are you counting on this?] Or, to provide family support for these women, EVERY married couple could reach out and embrace another wife. In a previous post, we demonstrated that the natural [sociobiological] harem size for a human is 1.2 women for each man. In this post, we show that from a demographic point of view, for humans 45 years old and older, the same harem size varies from 1.06 women per man to 2.0 women per man. You can see that from both a sociobiological and demographic point of view, polygamy makes sense as a national strategy to provide family support for all. -- Martin
 After TV tonight, I try to be possessive about the last two pieces of carrot cake. After all, there's tonight, and then there's tomorrow night. Martin -- I'm hungry! I think I'll have a piece of that carrot cake. Karen -- Me, too! Martin -- But there's only two pieces left... Karen, smiling wickedly -- But Lisa says one of them belongs to me! Lisa smiles sweetly.
Out there in the wild kingdom, many male mammals have harems. [We generally don't call them polygamous, for some reason.] And if they do, the male is larger than the female. Why? Who knows? Scientists from the fields of sociobiology love to postulate why things might be the way they are. [So does David King of SciFi fame, who is one of them.] The current conjecture is this... A male elephant seal weighs several times more than a female, and has a large harem to protect. The larger size helps him defend his "turf" against other males. On the other hand, in species [previously] thought to be monogamous, like birds, the male and female are almost the same size.  In 1979, R. D. Alexander and others demonstrated that if you create a chart with the harem size along one axis and the size ratio of the male and female on the other, the data forms a straight line. See for yourself. Phylogenetic Analyses of sexual selection and sexual size dimorphism in pinnipeds.
Patrik Lindenfors and others
Behav Ecol Sociobiol (2002) 52: 188 - 193Now find the log of the sexual size ratio for humans, read down the graph line and, voila! The natural harem size for a human male is 1.2 females. Given the scarcity of females in 0.2 parts, we can interpolate the following natural harem size in a gender-balanced population: - Two wives for one out of every 5 males OR
- Three wives for one out of every 10 males ETC
You get the picture. Two wives is plenty enough for me [for now]. But given the current demographics of the United States, what's our best national strategy for a natural gender balance via polygamy? -- Martin To be continued in Polygamy Now does the numbers
We went out dancing last night. One of our neighbors mentioned that the Eagle's club in the nearby town is having a dance. Let's go, we agree! Karen and Lisa decide to go "twinsies" in black jeans with black tops.
Karen loves the redneck beer, bar, and pool hall scene. Lisa grew up in a rural town. Both are equally at home in a fancy country club or a sleazy country bar.
It's easy to find the place. We look for a gaggle of smokers on the sidewalk, forced outside by Washington's smoke-free laws. We enter unchallenged, past rows of curious pool players. The dance floor is enormous -- and empty -- but the music is terrific, and the DJ takes requests. Perfect!
We find chairs by the side of the dance floor. Karen orders a light beer, and a glass of ice to pour it over, Hawaiian style. Lisa and I each order a ginger ale.
Karen and I start with an exhibition of West Coast swing and night-club two-step, complete with death drops and prolonged ballerina spins. The first dance is greeted with cautious applause, and the second with enthusiastic hoots and whistles. We've caught their attention, and people start migrating to our table.
I alternate dances with Karen and Lisa, leaving one of us at the table to hold down the conversation. Someone refreshes our drinks. The bystanders relax with a collective sigh. We've been appraised and labelled. Karen and I are "dancers" and Lisa is "single".
My next dance is with Lisa. She leans into me and whispers urgently , "This guy is hitting on me big time! What do I do?" "What's he saying?" I ask. "You're so cute! I've never met anyone as cute as you! [Glancing at her wedding ring} What kind of husband would let you go alone to a dance like this?" "Why don't you tell him the truth?" I suggest. Lisa demurs.
As I escort Karen to the dance floor, I make a point of kissing Lisa full on the lips in front of her would-be suitor. I see a confused look on his face before he leans forward and engages Lisa in animated conversation. At the end of the evening, Lisa reports, "I asked him if he was open-minded. He said that he was. So I told him that both of us are married to you. He asked if we were Mormons."
His mother, sitting across the table from him, has been trying to follow the events. Curiosity, friendliness, and suspicion war in her expression. This is a Botox moment, and it isn't pretty.
Meanwhile, the DJ has shifted into party mode, trying to liven up the evening [and be invited back next week]. We shift to cruise [ship] control and start pulling people out on the dance floor. Some of the men strut to "I'm too sexy" -- some of the women dance the Macarena. A Conga line forms and weaves around the pool tables. Lisa shouts to the man whose hips she's holding, "Your shirt's coming out!" "I want it to," he yells back.
Presently exhaustion claims us. "We're pumpkins now!" Karen points out. It's midnight, and we've been here long enough. As we leave, we get a standing ovation from the pool players and barmaids. Total cost for the evening, cover charge, dance, and drinks -- five dollars.
 President Bush reminded us yesterday that his administration has lowered the marriage penalty tax. I'm quite sure he didn't have plural marriage in mind. Our taxes went up this year. Karen, my legal wife, and I are required to file a joint tax return. We fully own our house and aren't in debt, so we take the standard deduction. Since Karen and I both have an income, we are hit with the marriage penalty tax. That means that if we were allowed to file separate returns, our total taxes would be lower. But because we're married, we must file a joint return and pay two to three thousand dollars more in taxes. Lisa is the housewife of the family, doing much of the cooking and cleaning. She has no taxable income at present. If we could file a joint return as three people, and if the IRS would accomodate us with appropriate tax tables, our taxes would go way down. But the weather report says its warm and sunny in the Netherworld, so we're not holding our breath. Until we catch up with Canada and redefine what family really means, we're pretty much stuck with the situation. However, I learned today that since Lisa lives with us, and because we provide all her income, we can claim her as a dependent. Taking an additional deduction for her would lower our taxes by about a thousand dollars. We can't claim her youngest son as a dependent, though, because he's not a "direct relative". I suppose I could divorce and remarry Karen and Lisa on alternate years. Believe it or not, this has been tried before and is now against the law, or so I've been told. It's apparently illegal to marry or divorce for the purpose of reducing taxes. But it's perfectly legal to marry and divorce to make a philosophical point, as far as I can tell. Karen and Lisa could each spend time as my legal wife, and have the feeling of security that goes with it. That alone is worth a trip to Las Vegas each year. -- Martin
My wives and I live in a cozy house in the heart of a rose. We built the house ourselves. Karen shingled the roof, soldered the water pipes, and crafted the tile and trim. I wired the house, laid the waste pipes, and worried until the inspections were passed. We designed our house to be a multi-adult group house. All rooms on the middle and upper floor connect to a vaulted great room. The main kitchen aisle is four feet wide, so two cooks can easily pass back and forth.  We are the Wild Rose group house, where friends and lost souls can come and be rejuvenated. Whoever lives with us has full reign of the house, and joins us for family night each week. Lisa's oldest son was already living with us when she arrived. Karen and I extended the house for Lisa and her youngest son, changing it from a group house to an extended polygamous family. And so we formed the rose, with Karen, Lisa and I in the center, and Lisa's sons (and whoever else is living with us) as petals.  Spiraling outward, our house is part of an intentional community that uses architecture to enhance community. Our houses are laid out in a pattern that promotes social interaction, with a large common house in the center. The fifty-five adults and forty-five children who are our neighbors meet together monthly to make decisions, and weekly to share dinners. Our rose has more than a hundred petals. There the analogy ends, at the boundary of the strange and the familiar. Beyond our forested forty acres is the approaching monoculture of modern American life, the garden that holds the rose. We are part of it, yet live apart from it, buffered by our tall trees and front porches. Spiraling inward, Karen announces our intention to live as wives and husband to our neighbors at a general meeting. There is strong pushback from a few neighbors, a rift that has not yet healed. Everyone else supports us by email, telephone, and by dropping by. At first, our antennae are way out. "How many waved hello to us today?" We relax as the pattern emerges. We will not be boycotted, and people will sit next to us at dinner.  Within the group house, we draw closer together. "Who needs help?" we ask at each family dinner. Afterwards, we undress and hot tub together in the nude, where the conversation continues. Do we want to rent a cabin together this summer? Is there a movie we all want to see? Dressing again, robes this time, we head up to the media room to watch whatever TV show has caught our fancy. Star Trek Enterprise and Battlestar Galactica have come and gone. Big Love doesn't interest everyone, so we watch Dr. Who and House instead. When the kids, young and old, have drifted off to bed, or more likely, to a bewildering array of futuristic and violent video games, Karen, Lisa, and I settle in and take stock. Who's cooking Wednesday night? Does our relationship need more work? Shall we go out dancing this Sunday? Who needs a car tomorrow?" Karen might ask, "Lisa, are you and Martin spending enough time together? Why don't you sleep with him tonight?" Lisa might protest, "I need a really deep sleep. Martin, why don't you sleep with Karen?" And so it goes, with love and humor and really bad prose, in the heart of a rose. -- Martin
[We're delighted to receive this email from Mary Batchelor of Principle Voices. We've added Principle Voices to our Sites of Interest.] Hi, I just stumbled across your blog, and I'm excited to see it. Surprised, too, since you are showing pictures of yourselves so openly! Would you consider a link on your page to mine? It is not a "Christian polygamy" site, but we do offer a lot of information and other material related to polygamy, in particular Fundamentalist Mormon polygamy. We're not associated with the FLDS in any way, and are actively involved in the AG's Safety Net to help reach members of the Fundamentalist Mormon culture, and create access to support services for those who need it. We're located at www.principlevoices.org. You have likely read blurbs here or there that mention our organization, Principle Voices. I love your web address. "Intentional family" is exactly how I view consenting adult polygamy. Obviously it helps when adults are also self-aware and are making conscious, deliberate choices in their own lives.I would like to put a link on my page to yours. I have three sections of links related to polygamy on my page, one section for Fundamentalist Mormon sites, one for Christian polygamy sites and one for related links and secular sites. How would you like to be classified?Thank you for your consideration,Mary
[Here's Mike Watkiss's response to Making Money from Polygamy, Part One.] Dear Lisa, Martin and Karen Thank you very much for your interest in my work. One point of clarification--aside from my regular salary as a reporter--I have never in my 30 year career made a single additional penny for any of my stories about polygamy. The documentary "Colorado City and the Underground Railroad" I produce totally at my own expense and on my own time. I then gave it to my station to run without any compensation to me. If my station made money as a result of broadcasting the documentary (and I assume it did) that is entirely the station's business and I can honestly tell you I have no idea what the station's profits may have been. The same is true about our website "The Polygamy Diaries"--I have simply posted stories as I have produced them and I have neither sought nor have I received any additonal payments beyond my salary. Further I have made my work available to other media outlets and educational institutions free of charge in the interest of advancing the public's discussion of this important issue. I think the current focus on polygamy is of great value and that all interested parties should have the right to speak and to be heard. The bottomline: it is not my interest to make any money on the abuses of the women and children who are the focus of our reports. Once again thank you and all the best--Mike Watkiss/Senior Reporter/KTVK
The sponsored link we see most often in the context of polygamy is Pro-Polygamy Organization, aka TruthBearer.org. This is Mark Henkel's gathering node for Christian [evangelical] polygamy. Mark is a media-savvy polygamy advocate who is raising the visibility of polygamy in general and Christian polygamy in particular. Mark, as we shall see, is waiting at the bottom of the slippery slope that purportedly leads from gay marriage to polygamy. "Polygamy rights is the next civil-rights battle," quoth he. Follow the link. The home page warns you that Christian polygamy is "NOT about any form of mormonism". And yet many of the articles in the media section reference FLDS polygamy. Why? Because Christian polygamy is hard to find, and Mormon polygamy is a fact. [Somebody prove me wrong, please!] Mr. Henkel has certainly been busy. His site currently references 33 articles/interviews, from National Geographic Television to Charlie Wolf's TalkSPORT. Perhaps the most impressive is his recent interview for Newsweek magazine. Here's a brief excerpt from the article Polygamists, Unite! by Elise Soukup, Assistant Editor, Periscope, for Newsweek magazine, March 20, 2006. [Marlyne] Hammon, who's involved in a polygamous relationship, is a founding member of the Centennial Park Action Committee, a group that lobbies for decriminalization of the practice. She's among a new wave of polygamy activists emerging in the wake of the gay-marriage movement—just as a federal lawsuit challenging anti-polygamy laws makes its way through the courts and a new show about polygamy debuts on HBO. "Polygamy rights is the next civil-rights battle," says Mark Henkel, who, as founder of the Christian evangelical polygamy organization TruthBearer.org, is at the forefront of the movement. [...] Henkel and Hammon have been joined by other activist groups like Principle Voices, a Utah-based group run by wives from polygamous marriages. Activists point to Canada, where, in January, a report commissioned by the Justice Department recommended decriminalizing polygamy. -- Newsweek You can read the complete article (and see a photo) here. There are several ways you can spend money at TruthBearer.org. You can Support the Fight for Polygamy Rights for $59.95 every six months. This gives you access to member-only blogs, an email list (subject to good behavior) and a few other privileges. Be advised, "Real money has to be spent to accomplish the goals of our freedom." Feeling poor? For only $5 you can ask questions about polygamy for two weeks at Ask Away!(tm) . Or buy a polygamy interview on tape or a T-shirt [broken link, sorry]. All in all, TruthBearer.org is a high-profile, pro-polygamy resource, with a great collection of media interviews and Christian evangelical literature supporting polygamy. With a thanks! to Mr. Henkel, we'll be adding a link to TruthBearer.org to our web site Polygamy Now. We don't expect TruthBearer to reciprocate, though, since there doesn't seem to be any way to reach them without first joining their organization. -- Martin To be continued in Making Money from Polygamy, Part Three
Google "polygamy", and several sponsored links appear. Let's see who stands to make money from polygamy. Today we'll follow the sponsored link to Polygamy Diaries. First we're taken to AZFamily.com where we're forced to reveal our email address and a brief profile, and no, we don't want to buy anything now or later. Then we're redirected to the diaries themselves, a series of annotated video clips which begin: In one of the most remote corners of America's Southwest desert sits the little dusty town of Colorado City, Ariz., home to the largest concentration of polygamists in North America. [ ... ] It is a town run almost entirely by the all-male leaders of a fundamentalist sect and where critics say women and girls are often victimized on a scale that rivals the brutality of the Taliban. -- KTVK TVLook around. You've entered the world of Mike Watkiss, who has been singlemindedly pursuing FLDS polygamists since forever, leaving behind a trail of video documentaries for KTVK. You've reached an epicenter of the anti-polygamy movement. Is KTVK proud of this? You bet! "Colorado City and the Underground Railroad" is an award-winning documentary that pulls together dozens of Watkiss' exclusive, groundbreaking stories that are the reason polygamist prophet Warren Jeffs is on the run. In fact, they are stories that have changed the course of Arizona history and reversed nearly 50 years of neglect and indifference. -- KTVK TVThe diaries are impressive -- about fifty annotated video clips. And a chance to win $60,000 by capturing Warren Jeffs, a FLDS leader in Colorado City (where Utah crosses Arizona). Talk about real money! The thrust of the Polygamy Diaries is that polygamy rooted in organized religion is subject to abuse. No kidding! Child brides, lost boys, domestic abuse, and tax evasion are sensational! But isn't our longstanding national affair with mail-order brides [ Hearts West : True Stories of Mail-Order Brides on the Frontier and Meet Beautiful Russian Brides Online] equally sensational? And is there really more abuse in FLDS families than in traditional relationships? In the United States every year, about 1.5 million women and more than 800,000 men are raped or physically assaulted by an intimate partner. This translates into about 47 [intimate partner violence] assaults per 1,000 women and 32 assaults per 1,000 men. -- Tjaden and Thoennes, 2000.Mike Watkiss has chronicled dozens of abuses in a community where thousands of polygamists live. No offense, but this seems consistent with the national average. While I salute the quality and prolificacy of his video clips, I wish Mike's coverage weren't so one-sided. In the interest of being two-sided myself, I'll be adding Polygamy Diaries to my brief list of anti-polygamy resources online. So how is KTVK TV making any money on this? A wider subscriber base? It can't be sales of Colorado City and the Underground Railroad -- it doesn't seem to be for sale. If it were, I'd buy a copy. -- Martin To be continued in Making Money from Polygamy, Part Two.
Big Love is the new HBO series that features the misadventures of a fictional polygamous family in Utah. Bill Henrickson (played by Bill Paxton) has three wives. Barb (Jeanne Tripplehorn) is the oldest, and coordinates the three households. Karen, like Barb, is my oldest and legal wife, and rules the upper floors of our house. Margene (Ginnifer Goodwin) is Bill's youngest wife, and the most interested in propagating the species. That would be Lisa in my family. Bill's third wife is the sensuous Nicki (Chloe Sevigny). Karen and Lisa don't seem interested in another sister-wife. "How could you hold hands with all three of us?" they ask. Good point. So how close is Big Love to actual polygamy? Pretty close. In the opening sequence, the look of love between Bill and each wife is just how I look at Karen and Lisa. My wives work out who's cooking dinner, and where I'll be sleeping tonight. And yes, we frequently find ourselves skating on thin ice. What about the money? Let's face it. It takes more money to maintain more than one wife. At least one bedroom and kitchen per wife would be a good rule of thumb. The secrecy? In Utah, where Bill lives, polygamy is a third-degree felony. In Washington, where we live, we're ok as long as I'm legally married to only one wife. Nevertheless, we keep a pretty low profile. The sex? Let's just say that wanting to please each wife on a schedule can be daunting sometimes. The biggest difference we see between real polygamy and Big Love is that we don't have much jealousy in our family. Karen and Lisa have no siblings, and enjoy being the "sister" in "sister-wives". And we don't live in a compound or share a common religion, either. But we do share a love for Big Love. -- Martin
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