Advice Requested
Trevor writes--
I am looking for as much advice I can on this topic so please feel free to forward this email to others.
I have been married for 9 years now. Our first year of marriage was very rough. I had an affair, was very in love with the mistress and it almost ended my marriage. We stuck it out and worked it out and as a result I feel our marriage is very strong.
My wife was brought up mormon (I was not). Deep down, especially 9 years ago when I fell in love with another women it was hard because I really loved both of them and they really loved me. I was forced to choose and I stayed with my wife.
My wife and I started watching big love together and we love the show..in fact its our favorite show. I started talking seriously about it with her and she was dead set against it. But I really feel its a calling.
I have met another women, she is totally on board and knows my intentions. She is a single mother and I really want to help this person. Her son is 2, my son is 4 and I see a very bright future. Financially we are well off, we live in Southern California ( a pretty liberal place). But my wife is NOT on the program.
I love my wife whole heartedly and of course she comes first. But I really feel a purpose here. I think my wife's insecurities are a big part of the issue. I am good to her, never put her down, treat her with alot of respect but my talk of polygamy as made her feel she isn't good enough even though I explain it has nothing to do with that. Does anyone have any advice for me?
If you have advice for Trevor, you can email him at trevor576@gmail.com.
I am looking for as much advice I can on this topic so please feel free to forward this email to others.
I have been married for 9 years now. Our first year of marriage was very rough. I had an affair, was very in love with the mistress and it almost ended my marriage. We stuck it out and worked it out and as a result I feel our marriage is very strong.
My wife was brought up mormon (I was not). Deep down, especially 9 years ago when I fell in love with another women it was hard because I really loved both of them and they really loved me. I was forced to choose and I stayed with my wife.
My wife and I started watching big love together and we love the show..in fact its our favorite show. I started talking seriously about it with her and she was dead set against it. But I really feel its a calling.
I have met another women, she is totally on board and knows my intentions. She is a single mother and I really want to help this person. Her son is 2, my son is 4 and I see a very bright future. Financially we are well off, we live in Southern California ( a pretty liberal place). But my wife is NOT on the program.
I love my wife whole heartedly and of course she comes first. But I really feel a purpose here. I think my wife's insecurities are a big part of the issue. I am good to her, never put her down, treat her with alot of respect but my talk of polygamy as made her feel she isn't good enough even though I explain it has nothing to do with that. Does anyone have any advice for me?
If you have advice for Trevor, you can email him at trevor576@gmail.com.
posted by Martin at 11:06 AM
Comments:
Continue reiterating your love and emotional support for your wife. Surprise her a little with a small gift (flowers in the fridge) to spark or increase the love. Try to explain to her the natural inclination of men's ability to love more than one women. Give her the assurance and commitment to uphold her dignity and honor to the best of your ability. Let her know nothing will change with your relationship unless you both agree to change.
Continue seeking educational material that will help explain healthy and responsible examples of polygny. Educational materials that help explain men's natural desire to love and care for more than one wife will be most helpful. I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Salim
Agreeing with Salim, although one thing will change for her in a polygyny relationship, she will have an in home best-girlfriend to share everything with---a double blessing and pleasure.
It is true that men have a strong capability to love more than one woman, which is the nature of the heterosexual-male. It is sad that women are so afraid of the fact, but it is insecurities that have been ingrained in the female-soul for centuries and from birth. The so-called liberated-woman is missing a great deal of life captured by these fears. Insecurities are stilling her blessings.
Another thought would be to take your wife lots of places to show her off. Even take her shopping for new outfits to ware out and you be the instigator in picking out her new clothing and accessories. If ii is something you do not think you are good at then learn. Have her try a new style of fashion, a change that lifts her confidence.
After your outings have deep discussions of your pride in her, of the people you met and those you know nothing to little about and make up stories together about those individuals. Help her create fantasies, take turns by one of you beginning the storyline and the other ending it in this creation story of people you know little about. Make it as amusing as possible. Then eventually bring in the polygyny slowly with a man you meet or saw being the polygyny-husband rather than yourself.
And, of course, increase your passion for her as well as all those little romantic things like notes and cards left in places she frequents around the house. Make her feel appreciated and loved.
This should be an exciting new romance for you because you are building a new relationship with your wife. And, you can look forward to the new relationship you and your wife will be making with your second wife and your wife's first sister-wife.
And, in time if you can get permission from Martin, Lisa and Karen maybe you could take her to visit them.
I would like to know how it turns out for the two of you. I do hope she will see the blessing of having a sister-wife very soon.
The very best to you both. . .
All Happiness
Open-Minded Empowered Woman
Hi Trevor,
From personal experience I know that women are a much weaker vessel and as such you should treat them. No point in rushing her to make up her mind about having another person joining you. The main thing probably making her feel like she doesn’t want to have another woman is mainly insecurity, remember the old saying once bitten twice shy? You need to make sure you re-assure her as much as possible and be patient enough with her for as long as it is going to take her to come round, The other main thing is your reason for wanting another. If it’s the right reason (assuming it is) its only a matter of time before your wife realises and agrees that it is the way forward for both of you. I have to agree with the two posts above give your wife as much love as possible and give it time, make her believe you wont love her any less neither are you replacing her in any way. Or get her to find someone she can live happily with then the both of you can build a relationship with that person. If it’s meant to be it will happen for you pretty soon. Good luck!
Khady.
I would think the first wife would bail. It might be time for some self-examination for the male.
An LDS woman follows a profit that has suspended polygamy because the world was not ready for it. It's a high principle and brought a LOT of persecution to the church.
I hope this helps
ooops - sorry for the spelling error - I meant follows a Prophet, not profit!
I have noticed that it is widely acceptable in polygamist communities for one man to have multiple wives. My question is... Is it acceptable (according to the religion) for women to have multiple husbands??
Just curious.
Hi anonymous!
The short answer is "No", not in most well-known religions.
Multiple husbands are extremely rare both in the natural world and in the human world. In the natural world, the female invests more time in gestation, so one male to many females increases the chances that family genes will be propagated.
In the human world (up to WW 2), men died from hunting accidents and wars, so that there were more women than men. Of course, times may change.
Trevor - you are NOT honoring your wife. You've already cheated once and ow you're just trying to put a religious face on another opportunity to cheat. What exactly is "calling" to you? I'd guess it's your attraction to another woman, not a yearning to support another family or go forth and multiply. Your wife would be wise to pack her bags and find a man capable of a deep, abiding commitment and spiritual relationship with one woman. Sounds like no matter how your wife (in the eyes of God and the law) feels you're determined to add another woman to the mix. I wonder how you'd feel if your wife was "called" to sleep with the neighbor? You need to do some soul searching and be honest with yourself about the reason that you want to add another woman to your relationship. As for the comment that called women "the weaker vessel" - that's hilarious, just hilarious.
You're basing your desire for a life of polygamy on the FICTIONAL television show, Big Love?? Seriously? You need to rethink that.
With a no malice ment I must type Heart and hearth was incorrect about why members of the LDS church stopped practicing polygamy...polygamy is not practiced anymore because The Lord commanded the saints to stop this practice. It is that simple. Nothing is too hard for the Lord; therefore, if the Lord wanted the saints to keep practicing He could have opened a way. The saints could've fled to Africa, or other areas where polygamy is practiced today legally. The saints also could've fled to Mexico to escape the U.S. like many of the saints did who chose not to listen to their prophet, and who wanted to keep practicing polygamy once the Lord commanded the practice to stop.
Practicing polygamy was a calling and not every man was called to practice. If a man was not called by the prophet to practice polygamy he was not a bad man in the eyes of the Lord...he just wasn't called. Also, the WIFE HAD to GIVE HER CONSENT...otherwise the man was not allowed to take another wife.
why don't you let her take on another husband. I'm sure she'll feel more open about this if you had another man than you.
I'm a plural wife. My husband cheated once, too. It makes entering into a poly life much harder if you don't have a solid basis of trust.
And it may never happen because Trevor already breached that trust before.
Any pushing he does will only make his wife feel used and take advantage of. It's just not something he has the right to suggest after having mistreated her in the past.
Infidelity hurts, and he may have to realize that he's already blown his chances on this one.
Maybe you should try and point out how she could benefit from having another woman around. Rather than disscussing your needs and wants and this other womans needs and wants, talk about your wifes needs and wants. Maybe you could find another couple so that she may find some comfort and security that you may not be providing for her. And don't go out and find someone without her being part of it from the start. Actually, maybe you should give her the opportunity to find the woman for you both. Since they will need to be friends, let her choose. Just an idea.
My guess is that you are just another horny egomaniac, who doesn't care about his wife's feelings or morals.
I am not opposed to polygamy, I am uneducated about it altogether, but I do know how to use common sense.
She does not agree with polygamy, she is not interested in sharing her husband (if she was, you could have just brought your date home, right?), and if you were at all concerned with your "higher calling" you would honor your wife, as you vowed to when you married her.
Plural marriage is not for everyone.
Go back to God, see what he REALLY says to you.
I wish you and your wife good luck and many blessings.
You've received lots of beautiful advice about how to flatter and love your current wife. But all that flattering and pampering is manipulation. It is for the promotion of your own ideas, not to truly build her confidence.
It's interesting that some men flatter a woman to sleep with her. And some flatter a woman to sleep with others.
But surely reassurance and love is not the same as flattery and pampering.
I would like to post something on
your dating site.How do Igo about doing that?
To post a Situations Wanted, send us a brief description of who you are and what you're looking for. We need to know the city you live in, and contact info. A photo really helps. Use the mail link on the blog home page to send the information.
Thank all of you for your support, we are working on it...thank you for all your knowledge and good will.